reflections, certainties, doubts

"to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe" -Carl Sagan

From the onset of this blog, I intended to use it as a way to practice academic writing and organize my thoughts on things I was studying. While that is still something I hope to do with it, I find myself more and more wishing to write from the heart, voicing personal reflections, wonderings, certainties, and doubts-- all which occupy my mind on a deeper level. Not just that the axial age was a time when multiple independent civilizations changed in fundamental ways regarding self-consciousness, but why, and why that is worth thinking about and uncovering now, and what it might mean for me or human kind. I find myself wanting not to report, but to reflect. So why not allow it to be? In my "welcome back" blog post, I said something about not wanting to "trap down" my "beliefs" but rather explore the questions. I have been thinking about this statement, and trying to figure out if it is true. I am a natural explorer. My search for meaning is ongoing, and feels insatiable. I've wondered, then, if that means I am constantly trying to define my worldview. What I think is: yes and no. Yes, I feel that we are all constantly defining our worldview (whether we try to or not, whether we are conscious of it or not). We encounter information and experiences, and reflect on what it means to us, and how we understand it. The No part is reacting to my words "trapping down". I am constantly changing, as is the world around me. To trap down a "belief system" into a box of untouchable certainty does not feel as important or real for me as the curiosity and questions that lead us to our next journey, and temporary destinations. I percieve that there are core values and tendencies in myself, and those are revealed to me time and again. The smaller, detail oriented curiosities are a novel bunch to consider and pontificate, but in a way, each situation requires a whole new evaluation of the universe. In a split second I am confronted with life and concoct a response based on innate values, my education thus far, my experience, my biology even. And in that second I am unaware of any of this. It is a rush of wordless whispers to my brain, my limbs, my lips, and small constant decisions and evaluations. This seems to be the nature of life's activity: a process. So I don't wish to come to set conclusions about all the mysteries of the universe. That seems a silly goal. And yet, it is what I ponder most. What might I believe, and what then is belief? Conviction? Certainty? Doubt? They are all beautiful and terrifying.